~ A Practical Guide to Better Relationships
Sample Chapter: Chapter 2 ~ Creative Romance
Improving Sex With Your New Perspectives
Frederick turned to me during the support group meeting and said, “My girlfriend told me that I am not romantic enough. What does romance mean to a woman?”
“Why not ask the women in the group?” I said, so he did.
Juanita answered immediately. “Romance means intimacy and connection, which means paying attention to detail. My husband knows that I like chocolate-covered strawberries and flamenco music. After six years, he still stops at Buckharts to pick up dessert at least once a week. Several times a year, he surprises me with a new CD of the music I love. Last birthday, he said he had a surprise, and we ended up watching a dance concert with my favorite flamenco dancers.”
Janet was next. “I also feel that romance stems from intimacy and connection, but for me it’s not in gifts. Romance comes in words. I like to hear that I am loved. I like my boyfriend to ask about my day while we make dinner together. I like my boyfriend to tell me what he loves about me while we are making love.”
“Romance is communication and connectedness to me also,” Shawnice said, “but intimacy goes beyond words. Life is full of intellect. Love life is the one place I can leave my intellect behind and live in the world of feeling. I like to be touched, massaged, and hugged. I can never get enough touch, and touch never ceases to be romantic. It’s the most intimate form of connection there is. My girlfriend loves to touch, and this is the most important part of our relationship.”
“I like intimacy and excitement,” said Angie. “Romance is enhanced by surprise. My boyfriend picked me up at work and had my bike on the rack along with his. He drove me to a hotel in Mendocino, which overlooked the ocean. A candlelight dinner was set up on the balcony. The next morning he took me on a bike ride to a secret place in a private cove where we made love. I was a little nervous that someone would pass by. Nobody did, but the nervousness made our lovemaking ecstatic.”
Romance Means Something Different to Each Individual
Each of the Creative Personality Types has unique wisdom to contribute to romance and lovemaking. Lovemaking is communication that occurs all day long, and sex is part of this. When romance and sex are causing you or your partner disappointment, communication is the key. Find out what your partner desires. All of the women in Frederick’s relationship group mentioned connection, intimacy, or communication as being paramount in romance. What these words meant to each of these women greatly varied, however, depending upon their Creative Personality Type.
The number one authority on what you desire is you, while the number one authority on what your partner desires is he. However, learning from the wisdom of each personality type can give you new ideas when romance feels stifled or lacking.
One couple turned a very dissatisfying sex life into an electrifying one by inspiring each other with descriptions of their different needs. Understanding how they did this can help you address many types of communication issues that occur in relationships. Alison hungered for the Dancer personality type’s version of romance, which emphasizes the pleasure found in flow—the continuous movement from one sensation to another. She also sought pleasure in unexpected surprise, as does the Actor personality type. Her boyfriend, Aaron, experienced sexual pleasure in response to the visual atmosphere, which is what the Lighting Designer personality type does.
Alison was disappointed because her soothing, loving boyfriend didn’t enrapture her with a flaming embrace that ignited her dreams when they slept entwined. There was no dramatic flair in her sex life with Aaron. He was too predictable and consistent to satisfy her appetite for variation. She felt he left her with disappointing morning ashes after a little campfire of a sex life. Alison needed to feel lots of motion and change in her love life. “I practically tumble and dance as I make love and need to be matched,” she complained. “Aaron is boring when we make love.”
Aaron was dissatisfied with his sex life with creative, inspiring Alison. Aaron had made their bedroom into a loving haven. He painted the walls lavender. He adorned the walls with posters of romantic couples. He filled the room with candlelight whenever he wanted to make love. “Alison doesn’t care about beauty,” he complained. “Alison can make love on the den carpet next to stacks of papers. She doesn’t try to make our love life exciting. Alison comes home from the studio in a ragged old T-shirt and tights, and wants to make love. She forgets to shave. I don’t find this enticing. I’m wearing silk shirts and tailored trousers when she arrives. I shave my face perfectly and trim my pubic hair. When we first had sex, she had just finished a recital and was wearing a flowing sky blue dress that matched her eyes. After everyone had gone home, we made love on stage with a background of white lace and pink flowers, so I felt the power of my masculinity embraced by her femininity. Our first night was the best.”
Alison responded, “When we first made love, I was high from dancing and Aaron tuned into me. We rolled all over the stage. We had gentle moments and animalistic moments, fast motion and slow motion in our lovemaking. We explored every part of each other’s bodies. We made love for three hours. I thought he was my perfect sexual match. He was fiery and alive back then, but now he’s not at all. We make love sweetly and gently but there’s nothing ecstatic about it. He hides his maleness from me now.”
Alison and Aaron wanted the same thing but needed to arrive at it differently. Alison was most hungry for flux and movement, which the Dancer personality understands. Aaron was turned on by environment, which a Set Designer personality creates. Alison had a bit of a dramatic flair (the Actor) in her needs. Aaron had a bit of the Critic’s perfectionism in his.
Their first night of lovemaking was passionate because Aaron was surrounded with visual beauty and Alison was touched by his choreographic variety. Both were sensually fulfilled. When Alison was alive in her dance and body, she had a lot to give Aaron and felt that he met her. When the visual environment was beautiful to Aaron, he felt excited and nourished.
Alison didn’t realize that Aaron’s passion relied deeply upon visual environment. Aaron didn’t understand that movement was the primary catalyst for Alison’s ecstasy. With such different orientations to life, neither truly comprehended the other’s needs.
Through ongoing conversations and commitment to their process, Alison and Aaron were able to identify this problem and creatively address it. Aaron did several things to turn his Dancer woman into his dream princess. Before she came home from rehearsals, he lay on his back with favorite music playing and let himself spontaneously flow and move. Tuning into each physical impulse, he found himself moving in ways he never had before and waking up parts of his body that had been asleep. He became more alive in his body. He learned that Alison felt his physical vitality through her skin and deep into her body. Hence, he brought himself to a place of vibrancy before she arrived.
When Aaron heard Alison’s car driving up, he practiced the ancient yogic breath of fire. He pushed all of the air out of his belly forcefully using his stomach muscles and then naturally took a quick inhalation. His skin tingled and his body felt alive. He brought his own masculinity to its peak. Alison, highly sensitive physically, felt and responded delightedly to this.
When Alison arrived, he greeted her at the door and danced with her, moving his limbs all around her, letting his chest touch hers, his stomach slide around her stomach and back, his face move up and down her legs. He brought to their sexual dance the motion she desired. By the time they were kissing he had drawn love designs all over her body with his tongue and touched her from head to toes with his hands. By the time that he was inside of her, his body knew hers as if it were part of his own. His entire body breathed air in and out while he was undulated with the full length of his spine. Alison was ecstatic with her new somatic prince.
Alison fed Aaron’s senses, too. He usually left for work and returned before she did. In the morning Alison visually arranged their bedroom haven in a way that Aaron loved. Decorating their bedroom became a creative endeavor. She cut flowers from their garden and put them in vases all over the room, trying different arrangements until the colors fit in a way that felt best. She tidied up. She put candles on window-sills and shelves. Sometimes she bought a new photograph or a painting for their wall. She picked out pretty clothes to bring to work to dress in before coming home. Sometimes she bought him a handsome shirt or piece of jewelry and left it out for him, then arrived home in a matching outfit. Her partner’s attentiveness to visual detail inspired her. The Dancer began to find joy in helping make the set. Alison showed Aaron that she loved his body by trimming his hair, moving her eyes over his delicious body during sex, and complimenting his carefully chosen clothes. Aaron was elated with his sexy beauty.
Alison and Aaron turned around their sex life by using visual art and dance in living. Often we get trapped in cycles of disappointment and complaining instead of simply asking for what we want in direct, concise terms. We think our partner should know what we want if we say, “I want to be loved passionately and intimately.” If they really love us, we tell ourselves, they should know what we think, but this isn’t so.
As exemplified by Alison and Aaron, we are all very different in our needs. Communication is the core of a good relationship, and sex and communication take place in many forms. By understanding each of the personality types in relationship, romance, and sexuality, we can enrich our lives. Find out from your partner what makes him or her happy.
The Actor in Romance
At the beginning of this chapter, the Actor’s contribution to romance is eloquently expressed by Angie’s description of her surprise trip to Mendocino. Her boyfriend, the Actor, was skilled at creating high drama with a memorable surprise. The Actor likes to stir the emotions, and an evolved Actor will build situations that lead to ecstasy. An unconscious Actor might stir things up with a fight or a self-pity fit. If someone is behaving as an unevolved Actor, assume that she desires drama but needs your assistance in creating it in a positive way.
The Actor likes to stimulate intense emotion with variation. She might take you to a fancy restaurant on the town one night and a campsite in the wilderness the next. The Actor can be found entertaining her lover with different accents, dramatic greetings, and shocking conversations, because everything the Actor does is pointed towards producing emotional expression.
The Actor offers spontaneity. I will never forget my ex-boyfriend, an Actor and Dancer Creative Personality Type, who gave me exquisite joy when he ran down the airport hall to pick me up and twirled me around and around. When an Actor friend went to Venezuela with his Actor girlfriend, deep-sea diving fifty feet under water they spontaneously decided to take a breath, remove their regulators, and give each other a kiss.
The Actor will find all kinds of places to make love to you: the kitchen, on top of the washing machine, in the closet while you are on a ladder fixing a light bulb. The Actor likes risk and may invite you to make love on the beach under a towel or in the airplane bathroom, or in the hot tub while it just looks like you are standing behind her and no one can really tell.
The Actor will throw a kiss to you in the middle of a serious dinner discussion at the relatives’ and do it in such a way that everyone notices. He will call you during the workday and ask your secretary to say it’s an emergency. Then he will sing “You Are the Sunshine of My Life” on the phone. She may show up at your office in a silk gown with a huge bouquet of flowers and whisper a love poem in your ear. When you are in love with an Actor, expect emotional adventure and surprise.
The Dancer in Romance
The Dancer loves touch. The Dancer likes to kiss with toes, hug with all limbs, dance with tongues. The Dancer will turn you on in every nook and cranny of her body. She will find you to be like thirty-one flavors of ice cream. Every part of you is a special flavor. She can orgasm in her heart, she can feel ecstasy in her tummy, she can well up with excitement in her throat. He will do everything he can to give such experiences to you. He will find ways to touch, massage, kiss, cuddle, and stroke every part of your body, and he wants to share with you every part of his body as well. She will wrap her limbs around you, lie on top of you, put her cheek next to yours, and swirl around you like a snake while she runs her fingers through your hair, finding endless ways to physically connect.
The Dancer likes to move in all types of ways. One moment she is a graceful ballerina, and the next she is a strong African Dancer. She will roll and tumble with you. The Dancer likes to tumble and play and literally dance while making love. This keeps her alive and turns her on.
The Dancer can survive on a menu of different sensations quite blissfully. He will bring all different types of touch to you: light butterfly, soft stroking, medium muscle massaging, firm hugging, strong holding. He may be very sensitive or very earthy or something in between.
The Dancer loves to feel the sensations of the environment, as well as your body. She may take you for a barefoot walk in the sand, visit the hot springs, swim with you while hugging you in the bay or ocean or pool, slide down a water slide, take a mud bath, get flannel sheets and satin covering for your bed, dress in soft silk pajamas, and warm the massage oil in the sun or on the stove to caress your body.
She may invite you to take a warm bath and dry you off with the softest towels she can find, roll with you on a sheepskin carpet, make love in the tall grass, and try out a hundred different positions. When you date a Dancer get ready to swim in a sea of sensory experiences.
The Critic in Romance
The Critic wants everything to be at its best, so he will constantly bring up improvements that are needed in your love life. He will bring home books and videos, comment on what friends said about their love life, and initiate improvement discussions. She will address all areas of your lovemaking in terms of what she liked and what can be better. She will discuss every aspect of romance and sex in terms of creating the perfect love life, expecting both of you to work at these improvements with devotion.
If you can get past feeling berated by the Critic’s constant feedback, you will discover that her ideas can enhance your love life greatly. If you work with the Critic, she will be happy and forgiving and deeply accept all imperfections. If you resist her, she will multiply the complaints until you can’t stand it anymore.
From the Critic we can learn to step outside of ourselves and view our situation from a distance, noting what we do well and what can be improved. When we are humble enough to do this, we will experience worlds we would never otherwise have had access to. When you are involved with a Critic get ready to hear an ongoing critique about what works and what doesn’t.
The Score Composer in Romance
The Score Composer is turned on by sound. She will take you to concerts, fill your home with music, and turn on a cd when
you are having sex. She will point out the passion inspired by natural sound when she takes you to hear the ocean waves or the crickets by a lake. The Score Composer will lead you to reach for the stars because she is focused on experience that sublimates words.
The Score Composer can become highly attentive to what kind of sounds fill life, for sounds pull us out of the mundane and into the world of inspiration and fantasy. He desires a blissful experience that can only be found in feeling, and his gateway to feeling is through his heart and ears. He is likely to live somewhere that is surrounded by beautiful sounds and if he must be near ugly sounds (traffic, lawn mowers, other noisy machines) he will become cranky and grumpy.
The Score Composer responds to your voice. How loved she feels is related to the tone of your voice. “I love you” means nothing if it isn’t said with warmth. Anger and shrillness in your voice can deeply trouble the Score Composer. I dated a Score Composer who could comfort me if I showed an angry face but would choose to get off the phone if I sounded irritated.
The Score Composer feels sound throughout his entire body. Feel free to express moans and sighs from the core of your soul to your Score Composer. He loves to hear you. You never need to be embarrassed with your most spontaneous animalistic voices when making love with the Score Composer. His passion for you grows deeper with each of your sighs. Let him know you want to hear his moans and sighs, too. Tell him frequently, “Oh baby, I love hearing your voice.”
The Score Composer will find any occasion to add a sound that is soothing or exciting to your home and get rid of sounds that aren’t. Choose the alarm clock with the beautiful bell, the car with the purr, the stereo with the best sound that you can afford. To her it’s worth the splurge. If your love is a Score Composer, you will be invited into the world of idealism and sound.
The Set Designer in Romance
The Set Designer is interested in making sure that everyone and everything is well taken care of. When everyone has eaten, the house is clean, the bills are paid, and the garden is watered, the Set Designer feels good and whole, and romance and love with her is secure and nurturing.
The Set Designer is especially attentive to how the environment affects each of the senses. For example, life needs to smell good. The Set Designer will buy an air machine to make sure that the air is fresh, or he will take you to Hawaii to get the best air you can find. He will burn delicious incense, spray you with herbal mist, wear unusual perfumes and lotions, serve teas with sweet, memorable fragrances, and only pick a lover who naturally smells appealing to him.
Sex feels good when the atmospheric surroundings feel good. The Set Designer will make sure that you have a comfortable bed and appealing interior decorations. The house temperature will be important to her, as will be eating good food. This is the source of a sexy life with the Set Designer.
The Set Designer provides a nourishing environment, which is something that we all need. When romance feels lacking in passion, use the Set Designer’s wisdom to make the environment appealing. When affection does not suffice as nourishment, draw upon the Set Designer’s awareness to make sure that the interior decorations are contributing to rather than inhibiting your sense of well-being. When you marry a Set Designer, you will be provided with many external comforts.
The Stage Manager in Romance
The Stage Manager is turned on when he knows that he is contributing. Mistakenly criticized for being “co-dependent”, the Stage Manager is actually a person who cares about others’ well-being. He will remember to blow the candles out before you go to sleep. He will get up to get water for both of you after you make love. He will cover your feet with a blanket if your toes are cold. The Stage Manager loves to make you happy.
Paying attention to details is important to the Stage Manager. She notices whatever it is that needs to be done and does it. Each Stage Manager will draw significantly upon the other personality types in terms of her romantic desires. What is most important to her, however, is that she serves you. Whether one’s service is in a somatic, auditory, or visual style is secondary to the fact that he or she serves. When he has ways to give, the Stage Manager is carefree and satisfied.
If he is not received with gratitude, the Stage Manager will often withdraw.
We can all learn from Stage Managers because they do not put themselves first. In a self-centered culture, people like this are often pathologized. If everyone in our culture were a Stage Manager, however, we would come to see that their behavior is developmentally that of an adult, while we are still valuing adolescent behavior as a cultural norm. When you fall in love with a Stage Manager, you can expect to be generously served.
The Playwright in Romance
Conversations are important to Playwrights. They ask questions, offer insights, and derive meanings that keep conversations interactive. Playwrights can talk descriptively about situations and feelings. They know life to be a series of interesting stories. The Playwright thrives on words. She will compliment you frequently with poetic language or detailed observations that you will remember. Playwrights can fill your heart with love made out of words.
The Playwright will whisper romantic thoughts to you when making love. He will say something precious when you orgasm. He will make sweet comments when you hold each other after sex.
She will leave poems on the door, in your briefcase, on your car seat. You may find a quote from one of her favorite poets hidden in your dinner napkin or rolled into a scroll and tied to your toothbrush. She will take you to lectures, book readings, and poetry readings. She will point to lyrics in the program while you’re listening to a concert.
He will be creative in answering questions. The Playwright enjoys the discovery and passing back and forth of words. A new word is like a surprise package. Your Playwright may put a book under your pillow. He may build up to a passionate evening by calling you at work and verbally presenting alluring sexual fantasies. Your Playwright lover will offer you seductive stories and pleasing tales.
The Director in Romance
The Director is more concerned with the way in which the two of you are relating than her needs alone. How you felt about the way you touched her and how she touched you in response is more important to the Director than her solo needs. How you felt when he said what he thought about what you wore is something the Director will think about. To the Director, every situation is an intricate result of the causes and effects of all personalities and the environment involved.
The Director looks at everyone and the many different ways that they are involved. If either of you is upset, the Director will work overtime to brings things to cohesion. When both of you are happy, the Director is happy. So if your sex life is affected by some incompletion with your last love, the Director is bound to pull this information out of you and feel troubled until you have cleared it up. “We all win or we all lose” is the Director’s stance.
We want to emulate Directors because they consider everyone’s needs. Their pitfall can be going overboard instead of just letting life be. Like the Critic, the Director is an idealist. The Director will work to make sense out of a situation. If you choose a Director for a mate, your needs will always be considered equally important to hers.
The Lighting Designer in Romance
The Lighting Designer’s passion is affected by what she sees. Visually based, the Lighting Designer makes choices about what to feast her eyes upon. She will call attention to things and can make you feel beautiful and delicious when she does. She will notice your body as though it is an art piece, delighting in a haircut and inspiring you with compliments about clothes. She will point out that the shade with which she has polished her toenails is joyous, praise you for keeping yourself in shape, and delight in artistic grooming and shaving.
He will pay attention when you are dressed in exquisite clothes with calming colors to appeal to his peaceful desires and in richer colors to call forth his passion. Your Lighting Designer always notices details like buttons, hairpieces, jewelry, shoes, night wear, clothes for all seasons. What you wear in the morning, in the swimming pool, at the dinner table, or at the gym, is all part of a creative offering in the Lighting Designer’s eyes, and he will utilize what he sees to either build sensual well-being or take away from it.
The type of lighting in a room, the color of the walls, the style of furniture, the rugs, and the windows will never go unnoticed by the Lighting Designer. She is quick to observe and be thankful for a new bouquet, painting, beautiful pieces to add to the decor, a mirror on the ceiling.
He will comment on how the dinner is arranged. If he prepares dinner, he will enjoy making the food attractive. Perhaps he will design the salad like a collage, making sure to include every color of the rainbow on the menu.
If she leaves a love note, she will put it on stationery that is art in itself, making her handwriting exquisite or choosing an alluring font.
The Lighting Designer is nourished by beauty. Stray clutter, paper on the rug, hair in the sink makes him feel awful. What he sees resonates deep inside him. He feels he is what he sees. He will redesign what he doesn’t like.
The Lighting Designer sees the artwork in the human body. The curves in your body from a distance and the beauty of your body up close in many different positions bring pleasure to the Lighting Designer, so she may ask you to pose. She will look right into your eyes, taking note of the color.
The Lighting Designer teaches us to be attentive to the visuals in our environment. In doing this we can create a world of beauty. If you go out with a Lighting Designer you will be offered many opportunities to feast your eyes.
The Sound Designer in Romance
The Sound Designer can pull you into worlds you never knew existed. When you make love with a Sound Designer, you will find the magic of dreamtime, discover meditation worlds in real life, and realize that fairy tales are as real as daily living.
Once you enter the psychic realms of the Sound Designer, you will know that the wall between inner and outer life is transparent. You may wonder if the wall between heaven and earth is as well. The Sound Designer relies on psychic channels as much as most of us rely on more tangible ones. Don’t be surprised if a Sound Designer calls you on the phone immediately after you fantasize about making love to her. If she answers a question of yours that you never said out loud, you know she is a true Sound Designer.
She can guide you into a world of feelings that are different than emotional ones. After you make love with a Sound Designer you will feel like you have gone deep under the sea and learned to swim among mermaids or traveled high in the sky among eagles. Earth life will never again completely quench your thirst.
In her most evolved state, the Sound Designer will take you to worlds of peace and elation. The Sound Designer is a reminder that there are other worlds besides those of the earth. In her least evolved state the Sound Designer will be spaced out, attracted to worlds outside of the here and now but unable to bring those worlds to others. When your honey is a Sound Designer, sexuality and spirituality will be one and the same.
The Promoter in Romance
In the Promoter’s eyes, life is an opportunity to get pumped up and enthusiastic, and sex is another thing to get excited about.
“You’re a great kisser.”
“Wow, I really know how to meet your needs.”
“We were meant for each other. We are soul mates for sure!”
“Maybe we should teach tantra workshops. We’re so good at sex together!”
The Promoter finds everything to be an occasion to praise and promote.
When praising and promoting, the Promoter is full of joy. If you don’t go along with her joy, she will become very unsettled and lost. The wisdom we can take from the Promoter is that of looking for what is good, great, and wonderful in our romantic life and expressing this out loud to our partners and to others, creating security and self-love for everyone. When done in a way that celebrates everyone’s goodness as opposed to one-upmanship, this trait makes life happy. If your Promoter partner accepts your marriage proposal, the incredible stories you hear about your own love life will be uplifting.
The Audience Member in Romance
The Audience Member is the witness graciously accepting an experience for what it is. The Audience Member does not evaluate but makes peace with all feelings, thoughts, and experiences, embracing everything as worthy of attention. The Audience Member will experience the physical sensations, the emotional flow, the words exchanged in your conversations in a very present way, deeply involved, uninterested in what might be better or worse about it, and greatly appreciative. The Audience Member is like a Buddha reminding us of life beyond ego, embracing whatever comes with a thankful heart. From the Audience Member’s wisdom, we learn to deeply experience life without judging or changing. In this way we remember the fulfillment that babies and animals know in simple existence. When an Audience Member loves you, you can relax in a feeling of deep acceptance.
Three Ways to Deliciously Electrify Your Romance
• Share your feelings and thoughts openly.
• Find out what turns your partner on specifically and try it out.
• Draw upon each of the Creative Personality Types’ unique form of wisdom.
When you treat each day as an opportunity for discovery, romance and sex become fun and vivacious. Think of every encounter with your beloved as a romantic excursion. Sexual conversation is not limited to the bedroom. All day long you are in a dance of the heart and of sexuality.
Allow life to moisten your lips. Let your lips tell stories. Your stories will fill your lover’s chest; soften as they drop into his abdomen, leave words in his groin. His orgasm will be your shared history of adventures breathed in, liquefied, and spilled out in celebration.
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