Partner Compatibility

Dear Dr. Laurie Moore:

I have been in love with my best friend for two years but have never felt physically attracted to him. I like to cuddle with him. Sometimes we try having sex but I'm not really into it. I'm hoping that attraction will grow. In my previous relationships I loved sex. Are there ways to build chemistry?

Sandra in New York, NY

Dear Sandra:

If you desire to be a long term couple, make sure that you are compatible in seven areas:

1)     Grace: Grace is a feeling of magic that is not only love or sexual passion.  Something is pulling you together and you donít know what it is. Time will show you. It may be that you have something important to teach each other.  It may be that you will care for each other in special ways. There is something beyond you that is pulling you together. A relationship without this force will become boring and unsatisfying.

2)     Perspective: Each of you benefitís from the othersí view points. Each other offers an outlook that delights you.

3)     Communication: You are able to share yourselves with each other very comfortably. This foundation will be necessary when challenges arise. Each person is unique so communication issues come up in every partnership. Make sure the foundation is a good one the challenges have a safe container.

4)     Love: Love is eternal. If you feel love now, gratitude will allow you to return to love again and again.

5)     Romantic passion and chemistry: Passion and love need to both be strong. If one is not there donít count on it growing. You need both of these areas to be strong.

6)     Emotional chemistry: Make sure that you feel a balance of passion (inspiration) and calmness (peace) when you spend long periods of time together. One without the other will lead to a relationship that is frantic or dull.

7)     Practical life style compatibility. Make a list of everything important to you on the practical realms: how much time you prefer with a mate, children, family, weekends, food, religion or spirituality, etc. If you put you mind to it you will come up with at least twenty ways that are important to you to live. Clarify what on this list is necessary for you to share with a mate and where you can compromise.

Those who are clear about what they desire and deserve will find it, create it, and cherish it with patience and perseverance. Those who settle for less will have less and live with great disappointment. 

Dr. Laurie Moore

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