November 20, 2000
Dear Dr. Laurie:
I'm a 21 year old virgin and I'm having trouble with my sex life. It
seems that every time I am with a female and we get to that special moment,
I have trouble getting a full erection. I don't think it is a physical
problem because I get erections all the time, just not when I need
to. Sometimes I do get erections but they are only semi-erections
and they don't turn into 100% erections.
At first I thought it was nerves
but I think I'm over my nerves and I still can't get a full erection.
I am able to get a full erection when watching porno movies. Sometimes
when me and a female are kissing, I get a full erection but when its time
to have sex, it doesn't work. This has happened a couple times with
different females. Please tell me what my problem is and how I can
correct it. Thank you very much.
Frank
Answer:
Dear Frank:
You are not alone. The beginning 5-10 years of sex are often the challenging
ones until we get to know ourselves well (for both men and women). You
are brave to be honest about this.
The best way to overcome this
is to talk to the woman about the situation. When you know you are going
to be sexual with a woman share your concerns honestly. Embarrassing as
that may sound, most (not all and those who aren't don't make good partners
anyway) women are kind and loving when a guy is honest with them. If you
explain to her what you explained to me you will alleviate some of the
performance fear that is in your way.
Next, talk about feelings as
they arise with your girlfriend while you are having a sexual encounter.
Go back and forth saying what feels good and what emotions you are
experiencing. Forget about the goal and enjoy the process. Many men who
have experienced the same difficulty as you, have overcome it to
their surprise buy taking focus off of sustaining an erection and orgasm
and putting focus on the authentic feelings of the moment.
Many young women cherish the
opportunity to have a more communicative sex life and are also having
their own troubles. When you share honestly, reservation diminishes, and
performance anxiety often goes away.
Let me know how it goes! If
this doesn't work you can continue writing to me and I will help you find
something that does.
- Dr. Laurie
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