September 11, 2000

Dear Dr. Laurie:

I'm confused about what a healthy sex life is. Would you write about this subject?

Answer: The sixties liberated our country sexually and the nineties gave us back some of our traditional standards. Many people come to therapy confused about what is sexually healthy. Sexuality is personal expression so looking to societal trends or norms for an answer to the question, is my sexuality healthy? isn't going to answer your real questions. The important questions to ask yourself are: Am I fulfilled? Am I expressing myself? Does my body feel enthusiastic and nourished? Does my soul feel alive? Does my heart feel love and passion? Do I enjoy my partner?

People come to therapy feeling critical about their sex life. Is it okay? Am I okay? Is my partner okay? These are comments underlying themes. Any choreography shared between two people is okay if it is mutually consented upon, feels good, does not involve a lie to those involved or a third party, and fulfills a need. If something doesn't feel good to you talk to your partner. Communicate about your desires verbally. We can be sensitive and intuitive but we cant be mind readers for each other all of the time.

People come to therapy wondering if monogamy is right, if having more than one lover is right if three ways are okay, if hetero-, homo-, or bisexuality is superior. Its all right and none of it is superior or inferior. Express what is in your body, soul, and heart to express and see where it leads you and those with whom you are interacting. Any type of relationship requires good communication and honesty. Are the effects of your lifestyle positive? Are the experiences fulfilling in some way? You deserve to be enlivened and do what is right for you and your partner or partners. Multiple relationships are more complicated and require extra work but this does not make them wrong. The majority of people are happy with monogamy but each person must decide for her/himself.

Make sure that you have agreements with your partner or partners. If you want a monogamous relationship choose a mate who is like you. If you want an alternative life style pick a mate who shares your desires.

People come in concerned about leading and following. There are many ways to feel equality in sex and there are many ways for both women and men to experience the dominant and submissive parts of their personalities in making love. Its all fine as long a both parties enjoy it. We can take on different roles at different times.

People come in worried because they cry during sex or their partner does. Most woman have had experience of breaking into tears after an orgasm and emotionally expressive men have as well. The tears can be love of life, love of your partner, tears of sadness or frustration, or a combination. Its all okay. Its who we are. Its expression.

People come into ask if anal sex is okay. Several generations ago people wondered if oral sex was okay. Does it feel energizing and good? You will know when its good for you and when it's bad for you.

People who consistently prefer missionary position wonder if they are okay. Am I repressed? A better question is are you fulfilled? Only you can answer this. What others do is not important. You must figure out what works for you because there are as many different types of expression as there are people in this world.

Turn to communication with your partner (or partners) so that you can make your sex life more fulfilling, open, authentic, passionate, soothing, or energizing. Sexuality is an expression of our humanhood and our divinity. You can count on communication to make your sex life with your partner as full of an experience as possible.

Phone consultation is available Breaking up without outside support may be very difficult.. First ten minutes are free of charge. Dr. Laurie Moore (831) 425-3432.

Laurie Moore, Ph.D. , LMFT, CHT, syndicated columnist, and author sees individuals and couples in Santa Cruz, Los Gatos, and the Bay area. She teaches workshops at retreat centers in California. Phone consultation is available. Call NOW: Free initial consultation.

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