July 4, 2000

Dear Dr. Laurie Moore:

I have been in love with my best friend for two years but have never felt physically attracted to him. I like to cuddle with him. Sometimes we try having sex but I'm not really into it. I'm hoping that attraction will grow. In my previous relationships I loved sex. Are there ways to build chemistry?

Answer: Love and passion are not the same. Both are needed for a partnership. Women often hope that love will turn to lust. Men often think that lust can turn to love. A long term relationship requires both. When love and passion coexist, love magnifies the passion and passion increases the love. When one is missing ongoing disappointment occurs. If you were turned on to your best friend, honest communication, sharing of feelings, and exploration of different sexual experiences would increase sexual pleasure. When chemistry is nonexistent from the start it cant be artificially created in a lasting and fulfilling way. Be thankful that you have a dear friend but don't try to make him into something he isn't. Stay open to a relationship that fulfills your heart and your passion desire.

Dear Dr. Laurie Moore:

I've dated a man for eight months. He's loving, considerate, and gorgeous. I feel cared about. Communication is great. Sex is amazing. My heart is happy. We have one problem. Our life styles don't match. He's never lived outside of the city and says he never will. I cant stand cities. I'm a nature girl. He's a Fundamentalist Christian and I'm a reformed Jew and Buddhist. He eats a meat-based diet and I'm a vegetarian. Ideally I would live in a cooperative living situation and he says he wont consider it. Last night he proposed and I said yes. Now I'm wondering if I made a mistake. Do you believe that love conquers all?

Answer: Love is warm and delicious and not meant to conquer anyone or anything so the saying is a flawed concept. More importantly, does practicality matter when two people love each other? Compromises can be worked out but basic life styles and values don't disappear. If you get married based on hoping that you or he will change you set yourself up for disappointment. Most people who do this end up divorced. Others end up resentful. If you have children they are likely to become tennis balls in a competition between your values and his. This would be very unfair to children. Love and passion are beautiful and fulfilling but not enough for a life partnership. A shared upon lifestyle is important. I recommend going through the short term pain of parting ways for the long term satisfaction of finding a compatible mate. It is possible to share love, lust, and life style.

Dear Dr. Laurie Moore,

I am ending a relationship and would like to do so amicably. Any suggestions?

Answer: Gratitude, care, and authentic apology are the keys. Express thanks to your partner for all the specific ways in which she has helped you to grow, given you pleasure, and contributed to your life. Endings are a vulnerable time for both people involved in a break up regardless of the circumstances. Let go of blaming your partner for any of your dissatisfaction. Give your genuine apology for any ways that you added to discomfort or disappointment in your partners life. Offer a wish to your partner for his or her greatest good to be experienced. Communicating all that I have mentioned above to your partner is very important. Making it true in your heart during quiet moments is equally important. If you are unable to do this you should get professional help so that you can sort out and complete unresolved issues. Transition can be a time for self love and peace or it can be a time for torment. Only you can choose how you will experience it and how you treat your partner will greatly effect this. I wish you the best during this challenging time.

Phone consultation is available Breaking up without outside support may be very difficult.. First 30 minutes are free of charge.

Laurie Moore, Ph.D. , LMFT, CHT, syndicated columnist, and author sees individuals and couples in Santa Cruz, Los Gatos, and the Bay area. She teaches workshops at retreat centers in California. Phone consultation is available. Call NOW: Free initial consultation.

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