January 1, 2001

Dr. Laurie:

I believe that my neighbors are having have sex outside on their porch. The house is surrounded by trees so nobody can see them. I heard from our mutual neighbors, however, that they can hear them sometimes. The other neighbors think its kind of sweet and funny but I believe that it is inappropriate. I've told the woman who is loud about what our mutual neighbors said. She didn't say much in response. There are no kids in the house next to her but I still think that she should be quiet. How can I tell her in a way that she will hear me? - Alice in Cupertino

Dear Alice:

I have said many times in my columns that my only moral advice about sex is be honest, express yourself authentically, and don't hurt anyone including yourself. You can't hear your neighbors yourself. Therefore, they are not disturbing your privacy in any way.

The neighbors sexual practices should be whatever is right for them. Your focus should be on discovering what is right for you , sexually. Sex is a physical expression of our creative and generative energy. What we are inside determines how we express ourselves outside. Don't judge or try to get in the way of others' sexuality. Such an act is a distraction from yourself. Fulfill your own sexual expressions and then you will have no need to control others because you will be too busy being happy. - Dr. Laurie:

Dear Dr. Laurie:

What is the main reason for marriage failure? - Cory in Seattle

Dear Cory:

There is one type of failure in life:suicide. If you learned something you did not fail. If you put a moratorium on having relationships after you marriage split up you failed because you gave up on spirit's plan. Spirit gave us a beautiful world in which to learn to lover better. If you gave up on loving you failed. If your relationship ended you didn't fail. You simply were invited to learn something. Now you tell me, what are you being invited to learn?

If you are asking, what are the main reasons that marriages don't work out till death do us part there are several causes:

1) People are miseducated about choosing a compatible mate. As a result they try to put a square peg into a round hole repeatedly until they faint from exhaustion.

2) People blame instead of ask for what they want specifically. In a similar fashion they project their lack of fulfillment onto a partner instead of learning to take care of themselves.

3) People assume that love will be a free gift and forget to water the garden. Learning to actively love the person you naturally love is a beautiful process. It can be easy but does require attentiveness, creativity, and inquisitiveness on an ongoing basis.

4) People think they should be married when they have entered a relationship that will serve a purpose for a period of time. Not all committed and loving relationships are meant to be life time marriages.

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